Good Ideas Gone Bad

So I haven’t posted in a while, and though there are so many other things I could, and probably should write about, I had to make a quick comment on a link that I noticed while browsing facebook today.  It seems that in an effort to save Virginians money by enforcing a law which is aimed at fighting taxpayer fraud, Virginia’s new attorney general has decided that grants which were given to a research professor at the University of Virginia to study global warming are indeed fraudulent.
I try as hard as I can to be independent on political matters.  Not that I don’t have opinions, anyone who knows me knows I have strong opinions, but I am well aware that there are excellent men and women on both sides of the aisle.  I often respect the beliefs of people who I don’t agree with, because I know that they have spent time studying and forming their opinion.  Personally, I am pro-life, in a I hate abortion, the death penalty, and war kind of way.  I am for small government, in an entitlement programs wouldn’t be necessary if the church did its job kind of way.  I am opposed to any type of harassment or display of injustice, regardless of its basis, sexuality, race, socio-economic standing, etc.  I like the idea of being energy independent, and I like the idea of charter schools.  I believe we should try to leave the world a better place for our children.

I may not be a lawyer, but according to the brief article found here: http://www.virginia.edu/uvatoday/newsRelease.php?id=12260, our Commonwealth’s Attorney General is under the impression that the state law against fraud applies to federal funds, and that it is the job of the government to decide what research is worthwhile, and what research is a waste of taxpayers money.  Either that, or our Attorney General is more interested in making a political statement about what he believes, than about actually saving taxpayers money.  Though I do not know all of the facts, it aggravates me to know that the University of Virginia, a well respected school which is today only about 8% funded by the General Assembly, now has to spend funds in order to defend itself against the government which is supposed to support and enable it to educate the people of this state.

I do not write this in support of global warming, the object of the research funded by these grants, though I absolutely believe that humans have an impact on their environment, and that this impact can be negative.  I write this in support of the freedom of ideas.  If today, in a government led by Anglo Saxon “christians”, which is the group to which I “belong”, can legislate what we think, then what will happen in 50 years when the majority of Americans are not “christian”, or Anglo Saxon?  Will our government then begin to legislate that an individual cannot pray quietly by themselves in public?  In school?  What is worse is that as a follower of Christ, I now have to dissociate the behavior of politicians who are supposedly courting the “christian” conservative base of the Republican party with “christians”, and with Christ.  So I don’t mind someone doing the work of trying to help our taxpayers avoid fraud, though I think this rarely occurs on the state level, but please, do so with some intent to win back our taxpayers’ money, and not by attacking our educational institutions’ ability to decide what to research.  As a student, they did allow me to choose which classes to take.
I’m going to get down off my soap box now.

Suburban Naiveness

When I was in 6th grade, I remember being taken out of class in order to take a test.  I don’t remember much about the test, except that it seemed kind of fun, and that it also did not seem very hard.  I remember later that year finding out that based on the results of this particular test, the school system had deemed me “gifted,” and so I would be placed in other advanced level classes to go along with the advanced level classes I was now in.  The system, I think, worked in the way that was intended.  I was placed in an environment where I could be challenged along side others who were also “advanced.”

Almost twenty years later, I am an engineer working with NASA.  I graduated with a degree from one of many prestigious public universities that exist in the state of Virginia, and I think I am a productive member of society.  By many standards, I am a success, all due to opportunities that were given to me, that at the time, I was not even aware of.   I thought that the way I went through school was just the way it was.  I didn’t know that others were having a different experience.

In an article on USA Today’s website, http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2009-08-25-SAT-scores_N.htm?poe=HFMostPopular, disparities in SAT scores were pointed out based on race, and economic class.  At the end of the article, the author writes:

For example, students who took an Advanced Placement or honors math course scored an average of 79 points above the national average math score. And students who had previously taken the Preliminary SAT/National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test scored 121 points higher on average than those who did not take the test.

But Caperton stressed that not all students have access to such programs.

“As a country we must do better at providing students of every background equal access to education, equal access to the best teachers, and equal access to the best counseling,” he said.

I was in AP Calculus my senior year.  I took the National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test in seventh grade.

If you go to High School in the City of Richmond, just a few miles from where I lived in Chesterfield County, the same experience is not had by students, not even today.  Before I go any farther, let me just say that the City of Richmond is doing more with the resources that it has available to it than any of it’s neighboring school districts, all while losing most of the affluent children who live within the district to private or Catholic schools, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32523214/ns/us_news-education/.

The reality is that the public schools in the City of Richmond simply do not have the resources necessary to provide similar experiences to all of the students they are entrusted with.  So while I lived in one of the “poorer” neighborhoods in Chesterfield County, I was still given a bounty of opportunities.  Today, students in many of the Richmond High Schools have very limited access to AP courses, as the school system seeks to cope with the reality that many of the students qualify for free or reduced lunch, a measuring tool for the economic class of the students.  The resources are simply in short supply, needed to provide many of the students with such basic necessities as meals, in many buildings that are old and outdated, while much of the higher income tax base, which jurisdictional education relies on, has moved into the suburbs and farther out, out of the city.   And perhaps we aren’t still dealing with racism, but the fact that 89% of the students are black is not lost on me, nor do I think it is merely a coincidence.   http://www.richmond.k12.va.us/indexnew/sub/statistics/statistics.cfm

I think many of us are naive, and perhaps intentionally so, as to the disparities that plague our system.

Here is to the hope of a new school year!  And to the reality that in our children our hope for a better tomorrow rests…

Fyodor Dostoevsky and the “crown of life”

I’ve been reading a lot lately.  It has been really nice.  Being in a new place where you don’t know very many people, while working a schedule that tends to discourage normal social interactions provides you with that blessing.  I am hoping that I will take ample advantage of it now, because there may come a day where the business of life prevents me from reading as much, and I LOVE to read.

One of the books I am in the process of working through is the Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoevsky.  A spectacular book, with themes of socioeconomic class, sin and shame, faith and reason, ethics and morality, and so much more (of course he packs this into a book which when translated in paperback form is only about a thousand pages in length).   There is a passage in the book that keeps jumping out to me, and though I am long past it in the story, I can’t seem to let it go.  In this passage, the starets, Zosima, who holds this particular position of honor in the Russian Orthodox church at the local monastery, is summarizing all of his teachings weakly as his aging body is failing and he is close to death.  Here is what Dostoevsky writes (translated by Constance Garnett):

“Love one another, Fathers,” said Father Zossima, as far as
Alyosha could remember afterwards. “Love God’s people. Because we have
come here and shut ourselves within these walls, we are no holier than
those that are outside, but on the contrary, from the very fact of
coming here, each of us has confessed to himself that he is worse than
others, than all men on earth…. And the longer the monk lives in his
seclusion, the more keenly he must recognise that. Else he would
have had no reason to come here. When he realises that he is not
only worse than others, but that he is responsible to all men for
all and everything, for all human sins, national and individual,
only then the aim of our seclusion is attained. For know, dear ones,
that every one of us is undoubtedly responsible for all men- and
everything on earth, not merely through the general sinfulness of
creation, but each one personally for all mankind and every individual
man. This knowledge is the crown of life for the monk and for every
man. For monks are not a special sort of men, but only what all men
ought to be. Only through that knowledge, our heart grows soft with
infinite, universal, inexhaustible love. Then every one of you will
have the power to win over the whole world by love and to wash away
the sins of the world with your tears….Each of you keep watch over
your heart and confess your sins to yourself unceasingly. Be not
afraid of your sins, even when perceiving them, if only there be
penitence, but make no conditions with God. Again, I say, be not
proud. Be proud neither to the little nor to the great. Hate not those
who reject you, who insult you, who abuse and slander you. Hate not
the atheists, the teachers of evil, the materialists- and I mean not
only the good ones- for there are many good ones among them,
especially in our day- hate not even the wicked ones. Remember them in
your prayers thus: Save, O Lord, all those who have none to pray for
them, save too all those who will not pray. And add: it is not in
pride that I make this prayer, O Lord, for I am lower than all men….
Love God’s people, let not strangers draw away the flock, for if you
slumber in your slothfulness and disdainful pride, or worse still,
in covetousness, they will come from all sides and draw away your
flock. Expound the Gospel to the people unceasingly… be not
extortionate…. Do not love gold and silver, do not hoard them….
Have faith. Cling to the banner and raise it on high.

It’s here that I originally thought I’d try to write some elegant discourse on my thoughts about this passage, but I think that I had better let Dostoevsky speak for himself this time, and come back to it in a later blog post.  Suffice it to say, I am intrigued at what the starets presents as the “crown of life”, that is, the knowledge that we are not only responsible for our own actions (sins), but also all of mankind.  I guess I think this is truly counter cultural if you live in America.  If you have any thoughts, please share.

Healing and Controversy

Two posts in two days.  Whoa, now I’m on a roll.   I wanted to share a little of what is going on in my life first, and then share some thoughts on what may be controversial.  So here goes nothing.

First, I have been struggling with insecurities lately.  Does anyone else have that problem other than me?  It seems like at times what other people think doesn’t matter.  I can live my life confident in my identity as a child of God.  Passages of God’s love for me, like Romans 8, 1 John 4, and so many others are easy to have faith in.  And then, without warning, and sometimes even without explanation, my insecurities kick in.  I think most of the time it has to do with how physically, mentally, or spiritually exhausted I have been.  Given my moving into a new part of the state, leaving the community that I have loved for the past two years, and even leaving a lot of my support network that I have grown accustomed to, I think I have been quite exhausted these last 3 weeks, and that may explain a lot of my recent bouts of insecurities.  I also think that my struggles deal with past experiences that aren’t fully healed yet.  A really good friend of mine said that we will never be fully healed, but only that we can hope to have experiences which salve the wounds that we struggle with.  I believe that it is God’s desire for healing.  For restoration.  I guess I do carry a notion that the healing will not occur completely in this life, and that only in the restoration of all things that comes with the fullness of heaven will that healing also be complete.  Part of me also wants to be an idealist if only for a moment, and believe that healing is fully possible in this life.  Regardless, I think that my insecurities impact my relationships with so many people and communities and institutions and even God, and therefor, I am asking for you to pray that I will overcome my insecurities, and that I will find peace in knowing that I am God’s beloved.  In many ways, as I write this, that request seems selfish, with all of the other healing that needs to occur in this world.  So please, don’t forget to pray for an end to war, and for healing for broken families, broken communities, and even a very young daughter of a good friend of mine who is having kidney problems and has been in the hospital for 11 days now.  All they want is for her to pee.  Her name is Eden. 

Along that same train of thought, at least in my head , is the issue of health care in our country.  Here is where I might get a little controversial.  I hope you will set aside any preconceived notions or strong feelings you may already have on the topic, and try to think about what I am saying from an objective perspective.  I think most Americans think that there is something wrong with our health care system.  I spent a long three years of my life during my adolescence visiting the hospital often as my father struggled first with arrhythmia, and then heart failure, before he passed away at the young age of 43.  I am only now beginning to have a better understanding of the toll that struggle had on my mother.  I have also seen others struggle with loved ones, or themselves, and the hardships of long battles with disease, or frail health.  The thought of having to add the weight of worrying about how the hospital bills are going to be paid, and making decisions about what type of treatments to undertake based on whether or not someone is uninsured, or under insured seems fraught with indifference.  As Christians, we often will go to immeasurable lengths to help the healing of someones soul.  I think this speaks positively about our belief in people as “imperishable treasure,” or of ultimate value.  But, as I wrote in my last post, I don’t think God only intends to heal or redeem our souls, but also our bodies.  Even if you don’t agree with that belief, if you believe in the value of a soul, you would have to say that any way in which we can express God’s love for a person is something that we must wrecklessly attempt to do.  And so I am of the opinion that the Church should be at the forefront in pushing for health care reform, especially universal health insurance coverage.  I am uncertain of any argument that can be made opposed to universal health care coverage that doesn’t leave one questioning whether a person, or money, is more valuable. 

I also think that a part of health care reform that we must strive for, but for which I am not as convinced the Church should drive, is that of torte reform.  If the Bible teaches that we should strive to settle our debts as quickly as possible, and try settle all disputes out of court before going to court, and that we should extend grace to all of our fellow man, then I believe we should put limits on the financial damages that a doctor can incur as a result of any mistake made which impacts the health of another person.  Not only does this dramatically increase the cost of malpractice insurance and therefor all of health care unnecessarily, it also creates an unrealistic and un-grace-filled expectation that all doctors must be perfect.  I think that we can come up with other, more realistic and pragmatic forms of holding our doctors accountable to high standards of medicine. 

Well, those are my thoughts.  Feel free to add to the discussion.

Seeking Redemption

It’s been awhile since I have written a post.  I’ve been incredibly busy lately.  I have moved out of Richmond Hill, which was a very difficult decision for me.  Though I will certainly still be involved, and I intend to take the RUAH School of Spiritual Direction, I already miss the community.  I am now living in Hampton, very close to my new job with NASA. 

I’m not sure if I’ve written about this before, and I’m too lazy to go back and look at all of my previous posts, but one of the things that has truly impacted me in the past year or so was a book that I read called “Surprised by Hope” by N. T. Wright.  Most of the things that N. T. Wright wrote in his book were already a part of my belief system, but I had not read them in a “mainstream” theological discourse before.  Here is a basic summary of the theology that as I understand it, and as I have begun to believe in, and as I have understood to be reinforced by Wright’s book:

1.  The goal of God is the redemption or reconciliation of all things.  This is important, because it means that God is not just interested in redeeming our “souls”, but everything in this creation.  Many evangelicals have a lot of grace for the “souls” of their fellow men or women, but do not exhibit a lot of grace for other things on this earth.  I firmly believe that God intends to redeem everything on this earth, our relationship to God, and to others; our relationship to this earth; our relationship to our own creations, and everything in creation: from the birds and the trees, the flowers and the oceans, to the man made creations, technology, art, and cultures.  This also includes our physical bodies, which is counter intuitive for the average Evangelical who is taught from an early age that our “flesh” is sinful, and therefor we spend much of our lives fighting against the “evil desires of the flesh”.  But I do believe that it is God’s intention to redeem everything in creation.  If this is the case, then it colors the perspective of everyone who believes it, or hears it.  This is truly good news.  (Side note: this is not universal salvation, that’s a different conversation)

2.  God’s redemption is not something that will just be a one-time occurrence.  Wright states that heaven and earth are basically two overlapping realities that are on a collision course.  One day, both of these realities will occupy the same space, and at that time “heaven” will exist in the way most Evangelicals like myself have understood from all of our Bible studies, etc. it will be complete, whole, unending, and we will dwell there with God.  Until that time, God is continually revealing the redemption of the world here and now.  The message of Jesus was that the Kingdom of God (Heaven) is at hand.  He taught this message during His life, even before His death and resurrection which are the center of the gospel of justification, even now God is putting things right.  in this way the Kingdom of Heaven is both now, and not yet.  This paradox drives the mission of the Christian Church because God is using His people for His redemptive purposes, see above.

As a postmodern, or someone who often skeptically deconstructs any message he is given in order to sift the truth from the innumerable messages we hear, often creating a cacophony, even in the church, I have begun to learn that the power of scripture is not in the answers it provides, but the questions it asks.  Looking at the Bible through the lens of redemption one immediately begins to see the harmony between the new testament and the old testament as God is continually working for the redemption of His people, and His creation.  One can also see what has been described as a “redemptive arc”, as things continue to become more redeemed as history is played out within the Bible.  All of a sudden the law becomes less important, as the question becomes what was God’s good purpose for every part of His creation, and how do we work towards redeeming creation to that original good purpose.  But N.T. Wright also points out another very important paradox about this knowledge. 

3. There is a paradox that exists in that God intends for His people to play a part in the redemption of the world, but that God Himself is the only one who can truly change the world.  If we rely too heavily on our own part in changing the world, then we can overwork ourselves, and become bitter, or even disenchanted when the work that we do produces no results, or results that differ from those that we expect.  If we rely too heavily on God’s part of this we can become too complacent, and also become bitter or disenchanted when things turn out differently than our limited understanding of what redemption is. 

It is on this last and very powerful point that I have been dwelling a lot in the past few days.  I have many friends who fall on both the conservative, and the liberal ends of Christianity, and certainly on many points between the two extremes.  Most of them, regardless of their place on the spectrum, agree that the mission of the Church is today being carried out in a somewhat ineffective manner.  One of my best friends talked about how church as we know it is in decline, and that many leaders are beginning to ask what the church of tomorrow will look like.  Many even argue that our society is in decline due to changing moral and ethical standards, or the advent of technology, or many other root causes. 

Regardless, there is a part of me that sees everything in this world which remains to be redeemed, and my heart longs for the fullness and completion of that redemption.  ” All of creation groans as in the pains of childbirth.”  And now I am questioning what role I am to play in the redemption of God’s creation.  I long for some form of revival, some way of making others aware of God and His desire for the redemption of all things.  I think it’s good new, nay, GREAT news, and I want to share it.  But I am also not excited about some of the current methods of ministry that the Church is pursuing.  Which makes me wonder if my faith is weak, or if I am judgemental.  God is certainly moving in these methods. 

The church that I have been a part of in Chesterfield (Richmond), Virginia, the Eikon community, is doing missional communities, or a version of cluster ministry.  These midsized groups represent one newer and exciting mode for delivering the gospel, though I still haven’t completely bought it yet.  It is a suburban church, with a very redemptive vision.  I don’t know how well it is going to work out because Eikon is still a church plant and very young, but there are accounts of this method of ministry working well in other settings.  And certainly the people who are a part of Eikon are wonderful, Godly, seeking the redemption of everything, and expressing grace in a number of ways that give me great hope. 

I visited a church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania this past weekend, Oxford Circle Mennonite Church, and this small diverse urban congregation (though with a definite reach into the community, and thus a growing congregation) is doing some things that I actually am very skeptical of because it reminds me of what the large, although shrinking congregation that I worshipped in my youth did, and it all seemed rather hollow to the surrounding community.  But it also seemed very different coming from this congregation in Philly, and I’m not sure why. 

And so this is the beginning of my quest.  Do I join along with what others are doing, and wait patiently to see what God is doing? (because of the 3rd point above)  Or do I try to do something different, seeking to allow God to work through me to bring about His redemption in some other way?  (also because of the third point above).   I have searched for many years to find my vocation or calling, and anyone who has read my previous posts understand this search.  I wonder sometimes if I am  just called to be a husband, or father.  Or if I am just called to be an engineer.  Or if I am just called to play some small part in a faith community, either in residence or simply as a participant.  It all just doesn’t seem right.  There has to be something else. 

I keep catching a glimpse of a bigger vision.  Something I could do, maybe even in Philadelphia, where it is obvious God seems to be using a number of things to gravitate me towards at least seeking His face in.

I’d love it if you’d share your thoughts, and hopefully, I’ll be updating the blog more often, as I share with you my continued journey, seeking to be a part of God’s redeeming story.

Ohm’s Law

So I haven’t posted anything in a while.  My life has been incredibly busy in this transitional time where I currently work 2 jobs, and try to adjust to the commute.  I think the hardest part so far for me has been how I am no longer capable of being a part of the Richmond Hill Community the way that I used to be.  I even feel as though I have mourned it a little.  In an attempt to try to become more of a part of the community again, I have changed my schedule at work to allow me to be at Richmond Hill until after lunch.  This will mean that I won’t be home until very late in the evening, but I feel as though this will work out to my benefit.

I normally would be trying to sleep right now, but because I live at a non-profit, they are not turning on the air conditioning to save costs, and it is just too hot to sleep.  I thought I would take this opportunity to update my blog.  Instead of starting off by writing an entirely new set of thoughts, and believe me, I have many to go on, I have decided to simply post something I have already written.  The following is from a column in Richmond Hill’s newsletter entitled Reflections on the Rule.  It is an opportunity to share about my experience with the rule of Richmond Hill.  This particular one comes from this month’s newsletter, April, 2009.  I hope you like it.

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On Healing

Healing – Committing one’s own life to inner healing and to the healing of the larger community of metropolitan Richmond. Rule of Richmond Hill

When I think about the resurrection, the very nature of our salvation, the first thing that comes to mind is healing. After all, the resurrection is about bringing things back into their intended state of being, the healing of our bodies, our relationships, our souls. In many ways healing is difficult to talk about. I think in many churches, though certainly not all, there is often a thin veil of wellness that the people carry around with them. Whether they are afraid to admit their own brokenness for fear of hurting their reputation, or for fear of looking as though God has not worked in their lives, or perhaps even for fear of having to admit it to themselves; a culture exists in these churches where it is difficult to remove this veil. I think that within these same congregations there are many who are crying out inside, wanting their brokenness to be known, wanting the great Healer to bring the resurrection to their own lives. I think this, because that is how I felt, like I couldn’t share my true pains, even though I longed for healing.

A friend of mine recently compared the effectiveness of God’s power to a physics equation. As an engineer, I thought it was kind of funny, and that it falls short in it’s description, but I have been ruminating on it since, and so I wanted to share it with you. The equation is Ohm’s Law, or the measured current, I, is equal to the voltage potential, V, divided by the resistance, R. I=V/R. If God’s potential for healing is unlimited, then the measured effect of that potential is only limited by my resistance. Take a second and let that sink in.

What if we worked to remove the veil from our congregations? What if, instead of hiding our struggles so that we could make one another believe we have been impacted by the power of God, we took to heart that all men have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and that we are all in need of healing, that we are all in need of a resurrection. Some of us need healing of our bodies, for some of us it’s our relationships, and for some of us, it’s our souls that need healing. The first step in a 12 step process is to admit that you are powerless over your struggle. Put in my own words, the first step towards healing is admitting that you are broken, and that you do indeed need healing.

Wind Tunnels

Today was my first day on a new job.  Although I will still be a part of the Richmond Hill community, I will be commuting everyday (at least for now) to Langley Research Center, and working as a data acquisition systems engineer.

Because this is my first day working for this new job, I wanted to take a moment and reflect on an amazing, powerful, and difficult experience that I had this past fall.  One of my fellow community members here at Richmond Hill is in the discernment process for the Episcopal ministry.  As a part of this process he meets with a discernment committee on three seperate occasions, each of which centers around a specific question.   So in order for the discernment committee to “train” how to properly help Andrew in his discernment they hold a training retreat.  At this training retreat they bring together members of the discernment committee, the “seeker” (Andrew), and a “test seeker” (this is where I come in).  I learned a lot about the Episcopal discernment process as one of the women in the Virginia diocese walked us through the process.  Before lunch we had learned a lot about how the process worked, and what the possible outcomes in the process were for Andrew, and there were multiple possible outcomes.

As a test seeker, I was to have 2 sessions after lunch, answering the first two questions of the discernment process, then afterward we were to be critiqued about the way in which we proceeded through the session by the trainer, who simply observed.  I agreed to take part in the process because I was struggling with many questions about where I was headed in my own journey, and I thought that someone might be able to shed light on the process.  I assure you, what happened was certainly not “training” discernment as far as anyone in that room was concerned.  It was a powerful experience in the work of the Holy Spirit.
I don’t have notes on the specifics, but let me tell you as much as I can remember about how the particular sessions played out.  For each session, we had an opening reflection.  Then one of the members of the discernment committee who was facilitating the session would then pray, and go over what was supposed to happen in that session.   When the introduction was completed, there was to be a period of silence, and then when someone was prompted by the Holy Spirit, they were to ask a question of the “seeker” related to the question or topic of that particular session.  In between each question and response, I was to be still, silent, and reflect for a moment before I answered.  This doesn’t mean that I didn’t answer numerous questions by saying “I don’t know”, because I did.  After each response I gave, we were to be still, silent, and reflect for a moment before the next question was asked.  From the seeker’s perspective, the committee was only responsible for asking leading questions.  In fact, at the end of it all, after Andrew was finished with the discernment, the only thing that the committee was to do was tell the priest that he was finished, absolutely nothing more.  It was up to Andrew to do with the information he obtained through the discernment what he felt God wanted to do with it, on his own.  They made no recommendations for Andrews next step, and were told not to reveal any of the information he disclosed in his discernment, that it was confidential.

So here I was, surrounded by a committee of six people, three of which I knew, and three of which I had never met before that day.  The question I was seeking the answer to:  Do I stay at Richmond Hill and minister where I enjoy being, or am I called to work and pay off my debt doing something I wasn’t sure I was called to, or that I even enjoyed; working at a wind tunnel?  The first session revolves around the simple question, What is the seeker’s relationship to God?  It started off slow, with questions like:  What did I do to feel closer to God?  What regular habits did I have in my relationship to God?  Other questions like what did I really enjoy doing? and When do you feel the farthest away from God? were asked.  Somehow, we arrived at the question How do you approach scripture?  and I answered that there are many times when scripture seems a mystery to me.  Now more than ever it seemed as though I understood less of what God’s word meant than ever before, and that was frustrating to someone who was trying to grow closer to God.  I told them about the times when I would tell God exactly how I felt, often cursing at God in anger at so many things.

Before we came to a resolution on the first session, which was intense, our time ran short.  The session concluded with an opportunity for the committee to point out what they thought were themes in the things that I said.  One pointed out how excited I was when I talked about cars, and community, another pointed out how earnest they percieved my seeking God to be.

As we came to the beginning of the second session (I was pretty wore out from the first), it was difficult to imagine that we could reproduce the power of the Holy Spirit that had permeated the first session.  Not that it was our’s to reproduce, but I think some of you know what that’s like.  The second session involved something to the effect of what things in your life affect your relationship with God, and your ability to see Him clearly, or something like that.  I don’t remember how it started, I know it seemed slow, like we were all tired, and like this was going to be a simple session, especially compated to the first.  But then somehow I answered a question with: you know, sometimes I wish God was a real human being, and that He would come down here so that I could wrestle, I mean really fight with Him.  At least then, I would have the satisfaction of wrestling with a “real” opponent.  I really did think that.  There are many times I still do.  I went on to make up a “Biblical” character named Jay-Bob, and talk about how there is no place in the Bible where a character’s story matches mine.  Where is Jay-Bob who’s father died at 13, who spent 10 years to get an undergraduate engineering degree, and who is now living at a monastery?  Where is that type of clarity?

I didn’t get the answer that day.  I am not sure I have the answer today.  I can’t say that taking this job is what I know for certain God wanted me to do.  I do remember this one thing that the trainer said at the end of the day.  She said to all of us: “pay attention to the symbolism of the question he is asking.  What does a wind tunnel remind you of in the scriptures?”  All I can think of, is something trying to measure the affect of the Holy Spirit on something, seeing if the wind will cause it to break.  To this day, I still can not begin to measure the power of the Holy Spirit in that room.

Finding a Rhythm

So I am not as good of a blogger as some of my friends are.  But I am finally writing again.  The reality is that I have been extremely busy over the last few weeks.  I will be starting a new job in just a few weeks, but I will also still be living at Richmond Hill, at least for awhile.

Which has gotten me thinking about a lot of things.  If I do eventually move out of Richmond Hill, how will I continue to live according to a healthy rhythm?  You see, while I am here at Richmond Hill, I stop what I am doing 3 times a day so that I can pray.  All of my meals follow these prayer times, and many of these meals are eaten alongside my community.  This rhythm is life.  It sort of reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3; you know, there is a time for everything under the sun.  In creating a rhythm, I have found healthy ways to maintain my relationship with God, as well as relationships with everyone who I am living with, and those who I am in ministry with.  It gives me a safe way to say no to certain things, and it forces me to keep everything in perspective.  After all, there really are very few things that you can’t stop for 15 minutes to join your colleagues in prayer, and I have yet to experience any of those things since I moved into Richmond Hill, a year and a half ago.  (If you want to know intense pressure to finish something you have started, stop in the middle of something that is important to the community you live with, especially when it involves the only kitchen in the whole building.)

So I spent my holidays in Colorado Springs, and there I spent 9 days living without the rhythm that I had established here on the hill.  And I decided to check out my friend Doug’s website, findingrhythms.com.  What I realized is that I am really impressed with what it is all about.  I am not positive where he got all of the material he uses from (yeah, one of the prayers is from Richmond Hill, and that lends itself to familiarity, as well as a little sense of pride), but this is good stuff.  If you are reading this, and you like to surf the web, and you have been looking for a way to be better about developing a rhythm, or doing daily devotions, or whatever it is you call intentionally spending time with God, you should visit this website.  There is even a link at the top of the page that you can sign up for daily e-mail reminders.  I signed up for them, and all they are is a link to the website.  If you are like me, you spend part of your day mindlessly surfing the web anyway, going to various websites which have no real significance on your daily lives (my favorites are msnbc, espn, and facebook).  It was easy for me to find time while in Colorado to read these prayers, passages of scriptures, and questions which have been put together in an easy to follow format.

So I realize some of you are thinking, I am not able to focus 100% on those devotions every day.  In fact, you may even say to yourself that you have a hard time focusing on devotions once a year.  Let me give you a word of encouragement.  I pray three times a day, or rather I attend prayers 3 times a day.  My pastoral director put it best when he said that our hope is that we are fully present at least one moment during each prayer time.  Perhaps it sounds crazy, or even a little hypocritical, but what I have found is that over the past 18 months that it is simply my presence at these prayer times, my intentionality, that is so formational.  I have been changed (in a good way) by living according to this rhythm.  There is a mystery to it, especially to us Americans who are raised to believe we have to earn everything we have and are.  I mean, I want to tell everyone how I was able to change.  Heck, if I could make it a book and give it a certain number of steps, like 10 steps to becomming a better you by living a daily rhythm, I think I could make millions, maybe even more.  Unfortunately I don’t know the steps, I can’t get a copyright.  I just know it works.  Again, I don’t know how, and it doesn’t matter what your ability is.  I try to explain it like this:  We live in a culture of consumerism.  Simply by watching commercials, seeing billboards, ads in magazines, we are formed into wanting more stuff.  What if this rhythm thing works the same way.  What if just by spending time reading about God, and hearing prayers about God and who He wants us to be, we wanted to be with God more, and started acting more like the people God wants us to be.

On an entirely different note, I am planning a retreat with a friend of mine, Jeanine Guidry.  We are working on a retreat focusing on worship, giving people opportunities to be creative in their worship, and creating a space where it is comfortable to do so.  If you are free the last weekend of January (the 30th through the 1st of February), please consider being a part of this retreat.  Visit richmondhillva.org for more info.  If you haven’t got enough money for the registration, fill it out anyway, because we offer scholarships.  I really feel like this is going to be an awesome retreat!  Plus you get to experience our rhythm!

Community and Individuality.

Another wednesday, another profound (I think) thought.  I appreciate so much the ability that I have as a community to discuss God’s word.

I have been for some time contemplating the idea of Christian communal identity.  A book I was reading on Celtic spirituality planted the thought in my head, and I have been pondering it hardcore ever since.  The conclusion  I have been arriving at is that as a whole, the Christian community does not have a singular identity.  That is to say, there is nothing that one can point to and say, all Christians… (fill in the blank).  I have been toying with this idea knowing that everyone thinks Muslims pray 5 times daily and make a pilgrimage to Mecca.  We equate Judaism with people who eat kosher foods and passover and Hanukkah.  so what do Christians have?  Certainly not Christmas, not even Easter (bunnies and eggs?).  In fact, some churches follow the Christian calendar (advent, epiphany, lent, easter, etc…) and some do not.  The sacraments?  Baptism is practiced in many different forms, and there is debate over whether it is a necessity to salvation or not.  Marriage is certainly not limited to Christians, and even among Christians isn’t as Holy as it should be.  Communion may be the closest thing Christianity has to a communal identity.  Even then there are many different ways communion is done, and some churches have relegated it to a once a quarter or random event.  So why in the world am I thinking about this so much, is it even important?

I think this morning, in our formation, I had an epiphany.  This morning we read Isaiah 64:1-9.  In our conversation, someone talked about the impact that committing sin has on us.  She was saying that when we murder someone, it is wrong, and others suffer the consequence of what we have done, but that the greatest impact of our sin is on ourselves.  She talked about how it would kill our souls, and how it would affect our relationship to God.  But as she was saying it I thought, doesn’t God care about the one who was murdered as much as he cares about us?  And the family of the murdered?  And isn’t the hatred and deadness of our souls already present if we are capable of committing murder, sort of like a preexisting condition?

So I think that the reality of community and individuality is both and.  Now I know I am going all over the place with this, but stay with me and hopefully it will make sense.  In order for us to be healthy individuals we need healthy community, but in order to have a healthy community, we have to be healthy individuals.  I think anyone in a marriage can testify to this.  I know that my counselor tells me that before I enter into a healthy relationship with someone of the opposite sex which is headed towards marriage that I should understand this.  And it is possible, and perhaps I am being too Jungian, is that one is symptomatic of the other.   For instance, an unhealthy relationship can be a symptom of an unhealthy individual, and an unhealthy individual can be a symptom of an unhealthy relationship.  I would say that this is true to the point that individual health and communal health cannot be mutually exclusive.  At the same time, they are more than simply dependent on one another, and almost share the same identity, which for the sake of the rest of this writing we will call righteousness.

As an individual, I can be righteous or unrighteous (healthy or unhealthy).  As a community, we can be righteous or unrighteous.  I think that one of the great misunderstandings we suffer from today is that the two are seperate, even though many still stress how related they are.  I now see individual righteousness and communal righteousness as the same.  In this way we can diagnose the church, similar to how we might symptomatically diagnose a marriage.  In my mind this is not a matter of condemnation either.  It is only useful for attempting to improve health, not to judge, which is like cutting off an arm if you sprain your wrist.  Would it not be better to tend to the healing of the wrist, as opposed to severing it as a result of its lack of health.  So when churches focus on judging (an intentional use of the word) the “gays” and the abortionists, and spend very little effort in trying to love the poor or those in prison, what does that say about the health of the church?  What does it say about the health of the individuals in that church?

Certainly, there is no such thing as a perfect church, just as there is no such thing as a perfect person (Wow, that statement fits in my argument.  If there were a perfect church and I joined it, it would immediately become imperfect, for I am imperfect).  But what does it mean that the Chuch (the total body of Christians) does not have a communal identity?  What does that mean for us as individuals and our Christian identity?  I think it’s why I kling to this monastic lifestyle so much, to the liturgy, the lectionary, and the Eucharist (which I think aptly, is a different name for communion).

I don’t have the answers, but often the questions are more powerful and truthful than any answer.  I wonder if we spent as much time working on our communal health as a church if it would impact the individual health, and if those who spent so much time concentrating on the communal health would spend some time on their individual health, etc.  But then again, I believe righteousness is both.  And one last thing about righteousness:  My pastoral director once said that a key quality of righteousness is that those who are righteous understand that there is no ownership of that righteousness.  In other words, they aren’t righteous because of anything that they have done.  I think this is true.

I’d like to continue having this conversation.  Feel free to comment, or if you’d like, let’s go out and sit at a cafe and enjoy the conversation face to face.

Advent

Happy New Year!

Okay, so maybe it isn’t January 1st, or even the chinese new year, but today is the first sunday of Advent, the beginning of the Christian calendar.  Advent, “the coming”, is the time of year Christians spend in preparation of the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.  Although this time is full of hope, it is also a season of the church when we reflect on the brokenness of the world.  Liturgically, advent can be compared with the season of lent, although with today’s extended early celebration of Christmas, you wouldn’t know it.

One thing is for certain, for some, this season is a reminder of the brokenness of the world.  There are many throughout the world who will be spending this season trying not to be reminded of a lost loved one.  There also will be many who are hurt by the idea of a season where so many get so much, while they look on and are reminded of how little they have.  With the season also comes colder weather, which is especially difficult for the poor and homeless.

For many, the pain that Christmas brings will be entirely unseen.  With Christmas comes the intense pressure of commercialism and materialism.  Perhaps those of us who can afford the diamonds, lexus, video game consoles, beautifully decorated large homes, and large feasts will actually be able to buy happiness.  Perhaps though, it will only conceal our loneliness, how truly detached we are from the communities that surround us.  Perhaps we will go into tremendous debt in order to obtain the things we want to give for Christmas, enslaving ourselves to what is obviously a broken financial system.

Advent is not meant to be dark and gloomy, though it is intended to create an awareness of the brokenness of the world.  The awareness of the brokenness is intended to heighten a desire for something, or someone, to fix all of this brokenness.  We are supposed to become anxious for a savior, which only intensifies the joy of Christmas, which is the celebration of the arrival of our savior.

Perhaps sometime this advent we will get an opportunity to reflect on the nature of that salvation.

If I sound like I have it all together, I don’t.  What I know is that I have created a lifestyle for myself which doesn’t allow me to give, even if I really wanted to.  Because of decisions I have already made, I have just enough income to pay my bills, and little more.  So as the end of this post, I am asking for prayer, because I am thinking about working as an engineer for NASA.  It would help me financially, but I’m not sure how it would affect my desire to impact my community.