Today was my first day on a new job. Although I will still be a part of the Richmond Hill community, I will be commuting everyday (at least for now) to Langley Research Center, and working as a data acquisition systems engineer.
Because this is my first day working for this new job, I wanted to take a moment and reflect on an amazing, powerful, and difficult experience that I had this past fall. One of my fellow community members here at Richmond Hill is in the discernment process for the Episcopal ministry. As a part of this process he meets with a discernment committee on three seperate occasions, each of which centers around a specific question. So in order for the discernment committee to “train” how to properly help Andrew in his discernment they hold a training retreat. At this training retreat they bring together members of the discernment committee, the “seeker” (Andrew), and a “test seeker” (this is where I come in). I learned a lot about the Episcopal discernment process as one of the women in the Virginia diocese walked us through the process. Before lunch we had learned a lot about how the process worked, and what the possible outcomes in the process were for Andrew, and there were multiple possible outcomes.
As a test seeker, I was to have 2 sessions after lunch, answering the first two questions of the discernment process, then afterward we were to be critiqued about the way in which we proceeded through the session by the trainer, who simply observed. I agreed to take part in the process because I was struggling with many questions about where I was headed in my own journey, and I thought that someone might be able to shed light on the process. I assure you, what happened was certainly not “training” discernment as far as anyone in that room was concerned. It was a powerful experience in the work of the Holy Spirit.
I don’t have notes on the specifics, but let me tell you as much as I can remember about how the particular sessions played out. For each session, we had an opening reflection. Then one of the members of the discernment committee who was facilitating the session would then pray, and go over what was supposed to happen in that session. When the introduction was completed, there was to be a period of silence, and then when someone was prompted by the Holy Spirit, they were to ask a question of the “seeker” related to the question or topic of that particular session. In between each question and response, I was to be still, silent, and reflect for a moment before I answered. This doesn’t mean that I didn’t answer numerous questions by saying “I don’t know”, because I did. After each response I gave, we were to be still, silent, and reflect for a moment before the next question was asked. From the seeker’s perspective, the committee was only responsible for asking leading questions. In fact, at the end of it all, after Andrew was finished with the discernment, the only thing that the committee was to do was tell the priest that he was finished, absolutely nothing more. It was up to Andrew to do with the information he obtained through the discernment what he felt God wanted to do with it, on his own. They made no recommendations for Andrews next step, and were told not to reveal any of the information he disclosed in his discernment, that it was confidential.
So here I was, surrounded by a committee of six people, three of which I knew, and three of which I had never met before that day. The question I was seeking the answer to: Do I stay at Richmond Hill and minister where I enjoy being, or am I called to work and pay off my debt doing something I wasn’t sure I was called to, or that I even enjoyed; working at a wind tunnel? The first session revolves around the simple question, What is the seeker’s relationship to God? It started off slow, with questions like: What did I do to feel closer to God? What regular habits did I have in my relationship to God? Other questions like what did I really enjoy doing? and When do you feel the farthest away from God? were asked. Somehow, we arrived at the question How do you approach scripture? and I answered that there are many times when scripture seems a mystery to me. Now more than ever it seemed as though I understood less of what God’s word meant than ever before, and that was frustrating to someone who was trying to grow closer to God. I told them about the times when I would tell God exactly how I felt, often cursing at God in anger at so many things.
Before we came to a resolution on the first session, which was intense, our time ran short. The session concluded with an opportunity for the committee to point out what they thought were themes in the things that I said. One pointed out how excited I was when I talked about cars, and community, another pointed out how earnest they percieved my seeking God to be.
As we came to the beginning of the second session (I was pretty wore out from the first), it was difficult to imagine that we could reproduce the power of the Holy Spirit that had permeated the first session. Not that it was our’s to reproduce, but I think some of you know what that’s like. The second session involved something to the effect of what things in your life affect your relationship with God, and your ability to see Him clearly, or something like that. I don’t remember how it started, I know it seemed slow, like we were all tired, and like this was going to be a simple session, especially compated to the first. But then somehow I answered a question with: you know, sometimes I wish God was a real human being, and that He would come down here so that I could wrestle, I mean really fight with Him. At least then, I would have the satisfaction of wrestling with a “real” opponent. I really did think that. There are many times I still do. I went on to make up a “Biblical” character named Jay-Bob, and talk about how there is no place in the Bible where a character’s story matches mine. Where is Jay-Bob who’s father died at 13, who spent 10 years to get an undergraduate engineering degree, and who is now living at a monastery? Where is that type of clarity?
I didn’t get the answer that day. I am not sure I have the answer today. I can’t say that taking this job is what I know for certain God wanted me to do. I do remember this one thing that the trainer said at the end of the day. She said to all of us: “pay attention to the symbolism of the question he is asking. What does a wind tunnel remind you of in the scriptures?” All I can think of, is something trying to measure the affect of the Holy Spirit on something, seeing if the wind will cause it to break. To this day, I still can not begin to measure the power of the Holy Spirit in that room.
Hi Scott! Your mom passed this on. Very interesting to read. Hope all is well!